In recent years, gentle parenting has become more common due to its emphasis on empathy, emotional validation, and non-punitive discipline. While its intentions are noble - fostering emotional intelligence and secure child-to-parent attachment - it may not adequately prepare children for the realities of life that demand resilience, independence, and self-discipline.
Gentle parenting, also known as Permissive Parenting Style, often avoids direct confrontation, consequences, and firm boundaries. It prioritizes emotions and their consideration over progress. Parents often prefer it because they want to preserve the positive connection they have with their children. While this can create a comfortable environment, it risks undermining your authority. Children start perceiving you ‘as a friend’ and friends do not order each other around – they give advice – optional suggestions, if you will. Now everything is optional or negotiable. They have lost respect for your rules or guidance because every directive is open to discussion. Suddenly, your demands and requests in the household are being ‘taken into consideration’ or disregarded because it disrupts their comfort and feelings.
To take it further, let’s look at the following example. A child is frustrated about one of their responsibilities – homework. They refuse to do it and would rather play games, do something fun. In that instance a Permissive parent would allow them to leave it for later – the child is treated as a responsible individual who considers their education, academic future, and can plan their day ahead. While this approach validates their feelings and treats them as the adult we want them to be, it may also reinforce avoidance behaviors and reduce their tolerance for discomfort. In other words, shielding children from discomfort or failure can hinder their ability to cope with adversity.
Others may argue that the Permissive approach is fostering entitlement. Constant validation without accountability may lead to unrealistic expectations of the world around them.
In contrast, authoritarian parenting emphasizes structure, discipline, and clear expectations. Though often criticized for being rigid, when applied with fairness and consistency, it teaches children self-discipline: to differentiate between situations where they can lead, and where - they must follow. Children learn to follow rules and manage impulses (read more here).
When rules are broken, the Authoritarian parent holds their child accountable for their actions. This does not come from a place of cruelty, and it is definitely not a sign of lack of love. Simply, facing consequences teaches children to think about their actions and consequent results.
Having authority over your children, or anyone for that matter, does not entail a reign of fear and terror. The Parenting Styles Concept first and foremost teaches what does not work – being neglectful in any area. In essence, we also learn that there are different styles because there are different situations in which those styles are applicable. A goal-driven teenager will need more support than restrictions. A child that has just started school will need more directions and rules in order to process all novelty.
It’s important to distinguish authoritarian parenting from abusive or overly punitive styles. A balanced authoritarian approach includes:
- Clear rules and expectations
- Consistent consequences
- Emotional support without indulgence
- Encouragement of independence through responsibility
This style does not ignore emotions - it simply prioritizes character development over emotional comfort.
Last but not least, parents need to reflect on their style of choice. The goal is conscious and adaptive approach – there is no “right” way. So, consider these:
- How were you raised – firm or loose discipline, more or less support, conversational or directorial? Was it applicable to you?
- Is your approach similar or opposite to your parents’? Why? Is it applicable to your child, or is the ‘familiar’ approach?
- What is the desired outcome of your child’s upbringing?
- Does your vision for the outcome align with your child’s aspirations?