How to strengthen your relationship with your child?
Parenting has become one of the most popular and highly controversial topics in recent years. Expert advice coming from child psychologists, coaches, nutritionists, sleep specialists and mum bloggers is bombarding parents on every corner. It can be extremely overwhelming to search for parenting guidance with the amount of information available online. Having so many options and choices to make when it comes to deciding on the approach you would like to attempt can leave you feeling more anxious than supported.
What most experts forget to mention to parents is that they do not always need to strive for the “perfect approach” in every situation. Rather, research suggests that what children need is predictability. This means that children need to learn that expressing difficult emotions can reliably elicit comfort and care. In a series of repeated experiences, children will be looking out for the manner in which parents respond to their needs and this will become their future prediction model. This is at the root of attachment and predictability is essential for the provision of a secure base from which the child can operate.
The good news is parents do not need to be 100% predictable and attuned to their children’s needs all the time. In fact, research conducted over 50 years ago and supported until this day suggests that merely 30-40% of the time is enough. However, the remaining percentages must be acknowledged and repaired effectively. What this means is that healthy parent-child relationships are built on a continuous cycle of rupture and repair, and we know that effective repair builds trust.
In order for a parent to acknowledge rupturing the relationship, he or she must first develop self-awareness and acknowledge that grown-ups make mistakes occasionally as well. This does not in any way mean that we should start pointing fingers at each other and looking for who is to blame. Blaming oneself or the child would only lead to feelings of shame and stating who has made the rupture. Instead, differentiating between blame and responsibility would lead to the use of a corrective approach: “I made a mistake” -> “I can do something about it” -> “I can learn to listen and respond differently”.
An apology offers a unique opportunity for effective repair and taking responsibility. However, have you ever thought about how you apologise? Most of us would probably say something like this: “I am sorry for raising my voice earlier BUT you did not tidy your room as promised“. Saying “but” mid-apology cancels out validating what it was like for the other person. Instead, focus on these four aspects of an apology:
- Taking responsibility for your own actions (“I am sorry that I ...”)
- Acknowledging the other person’s emotion (“It probably made you feel ...”)
- Repair in the moment (“To make the situation better right now, I am going to …”)
- Repair in the future (“In the future, you will notice that I will …” )
Using effective repair will help you derail from focusing on the event and its harmful impact and strengthen your child-parent relationship. Even if the repair comes long after the rupture, it would show care and safety which are key for maintaining a secure attachment.
References:
Bowlby, J. (1973). Attachment and loss. Vol. 2: Separation: anxiety and anger. New York, NY: Basic Books.
Kirchhoff, J., Wagner, U., & Strack, M. (2012). Apologies: Words of magic? The role of verbal components, anger reduction, and offence severity. Peace and Conflict: Journal of Peace Psychology, 18(2), 109.
Ramaekers, S., Suissa, J., Ramaekers, S., & Suissa, J. (2012). Good Enough Parenting?. The Claims of Parenting: Reasons, Responsibility and Society, 73-97.
Scher, S. J., & Darley, J. M. (1997). How effective are the things people say to apologize? Effects of the realization of the apology speech act. Journal of psycholinguistic research, 26, 127-140.
Still face experiment Dr Edward Tronick: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7hcUtR7HUOU
Tronick EZ. (2003). Emotions and emotional communication in infants. In: Raphael-Leff J, Raphael-Leff J, editors. Parent-infant psychodynamics: Wild things, mirrors and ghosts. Philadelphia, PA: Whurr; pp. 35–53.
Tronick, E. Z. (2018). Emotions and emotional communication in infants. Parent-infant psychodynamics, 35-53.
Tronick, E., Als, H., Adamson, L., Wise, S., & Brazelton, T. B. (1978). The infant's response to entrapment between contradictory messages in face-to-face interaction. Journal of the American Academy of Child psychiatry, 17(1), 1-13.
Winnicott, D. W. (1971). Playing and Reality. London: Penguin Books.
Winnicott, D. W. (1986). The theory of the parent-infant relationship. Essential papers on object relations, 233-253.
Winnicott, D. W. (1987). Home is where we start from: Essays by a psychoanalyst. New York: Norton & Company.
Winnicott, D. W. (1988). Babies and their mothers. London: Free Association Books.
Winnicott, D. W. (1991). The child, the family, and the outside world. Harmondssworth, United Kingdom: Penguin Books.